


So Long To Say...

by MeredithBrody



Series: Pretty Little Distance [11]
Category: Designated Survivor (TV)
Genre: Gen, Siblings, ship mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-26 21:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13866789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: Ten years later, Leo feels guilty that he wasn't there enough for Penny.





	So Long To Say...

**Author's Note:**

> Now I have had an idea for this song and these two for literally months but never got round to writing/finishing it until yesterday. This has a few little spoilers for the rest of the Pretty Little Distance series, so if you want everything to be a surprise maybe save this one for later. If you don't mind little spoilers then here we go. As assumed in this fic there is Lysendra hinted at. Also a couple other ships that I'm not gonna mention because they are spoilers and I don't want to spoil people who don't want to be spoiled. Anyway. On with the story.
> 
> The lyrics, and title, are from the song "Hey Rachel" by As It Is

_**A decade’s worth** _  
_**Of damage done and unsaid words** _  
_**We both know that’s not what you deserve** _  
_**There was always love** _  
_**It was there but never spoken of** _  
_**You held on when I was not enough** _  
_**It’s a shame this has taken me so long to say** _

**December 25 th, 2027**

Leo didn’t really know what to expect when he arrived home for Christmas this year. It was their first one after their father had left office, and Leo knew that Tom didn’t want to make Judith travel any further than she needed. That was why there were having Christmas in DC. He had a busy life now in Chicago, but that wasn’t going to stop him making this dinner. It was a big anniversary too, and he didn’t want to leave his family alone. Mostly though, he wanted to finally talk to Penny about something that had been bothering him for months now. When he arrived it was clear that Judith was having to convince his father of something, so he just walked through to Penny’s room, deciding to talk to her before everyone arrived. “Pen, you busy?”

“No. I’m wrapping dad’s present.” She said, clearly having dived in front of it when her door had opened. She pulled back a little to let him see. “It’s a picture of me, you and mom the year before Dad became president on a keepsake box full of mom’s jewellery.” She explained, and Leo wasn’t going to ask how she’d managed to get her hands on all that. Somehow, Leo thought that Judith and Kendra had something to do with it. “I’m glad that Ken’s kids are keeping him busy. This is the first Christmas he hasn’t asked me to come back here to finish out the semester.” Their step-sister, how strange that felt to say given that Kendra was old enough to be their mother. Leo tried not to think about it that way though.

“He’s still getting used to just being a normal guy and not the President anymore.” Leo had actually wondered how he’d be coping with that, and he guess that over the next week he’d find out. Leo himself didn’t actually miss their father being the President. It was nice not to go everywhere with secret service not far away, and it was even nicer to not have every case he worked on tied to his father’s job. It had been almost a year, but Leo had a feeling that it would take Tom Kirkman longer than that to get used to it. “Not that I can say I miss that.”

“No me either.” Penny laughed a little, and Leo wondered if she even remembered a time before they’d lived in the White House. Clearly at least. Leo had plenty of time, but Penny had only been 9, and then they’d been there for another 10 years thanks to the way the constitution worked out for them. “I heard Judy on the phone with Kendra earlier. They’re going to be late, sounds like either Seth or Theo is in time-out.” Penny just shrugged a little and motioned to the chair at the end of the bed for him. “My money would be on Seth. What’s up Leo?”

It seemed like the thing Penny had gotten from their mother was her ability to know when something was bothering the people that she loved. It was impressive how Penny did it and Leo was actually not at all surprised that she was quite so good at knowing. There were a lot of things in his mind, but all of them came back to the big one. The one that had changed their lives forever. “It’s ten years today.” He mumbled, feeling his eyes burning even as he said that.

“I know. It’s not something I can forget.” Penny responded and he heard the pain in her voice as she spoke. Alex Kirkman’s death had been something that massively affected them both, and Leo didn’t know how Penny had gotten through it. He hadn’t been there and he knew that that guilt was the reason that it still haunted him now. There needed to be something said about it, and Leo needed to say he was sorry that he hadn’t been there for the one person who had needed him the most back then. “I still miss her, Leo.” She continued quietly when he hadn’t said anything, and Leo just nodded, trying to make his mouth form words.

“I miss her too.” His throat was dry as he said that, and he tried not to think about the fact that he wished with all his heart that their mom was here today to see what they’d both become. It was definitely better than the person he’d been ten years ago. He hadn’t been a very good person, and the one who’d suffered most for that was Penny, the person who had needed her big brother who just hadn’t been there for her. “I was such an asshole back then.”

“What? No you weren’t.” Penny actually sounded genuine about that and Leo had to wonder how. Maybe she didn’t remember it that clearly, she had been so much younger. Leo was always going to regret the things that he’d done back then. “Dad was an asshole, you were seventeen. A lot of things you do at seventeen can be forgiven.” Leo couldn’t argue with her about their dad. He hadn’t taken it well, and Leo still remembered everything that had happened while the staff tried to work out how to handle him. Penny had been so young though, and it seemed even younger now they were both adults.

“And you were ten.” He said quietly and shook his head. He needed for her to listen to what he was saying, not try to reassure him that it wasn’t as bad as he remembered. “I wasn’t there for you the way I should have been.” He managed to say it more clearly than he expected. He wanted to shy away from this, but it was time he apologised for everything that had been happening then, and how long it had taken him to even realise that it had been bad. “You were so young and I just left you. I accepted the university offer the furthest away I could get and then never even checked on you.”

“You called every week, and when you came home you’d always hang out with me.” It was a simple definition in Penny’s mind, clearly. Leo knew that he could have and probably should have done more. There was no reason for him to have overlooked at much as he did other than he had lost his mother too. They had always promised that if anything ever happened to them that they would look out for each other, but he hadn’t. He’d run away and only come back when it suited him. “I never felt like you weren’t checking on me.”

“That wasn’t what you needed though, was it?” He asked quietly. He already knew the answer to it but he wanted Penny to realise why he was talking about it, and why he wasn’t going to let her pass it off. He didn’t want to think about what could have happened if it had ended differently, or if he’d acted differently, but that was all in the past. It was nothing that he could change now, all he had right now was the benefit of hindsight.

“Not really.” Penny sighed after a few seconds of strained silence. It was actually a relief for Leo to hear her say that, as it meant this really wasn’t all just built up in his mind. Penny had been left to work it out alone, neither of the adults in her family were actually there for her. It made Leo even more thankful for Judith and Kendra Daynes. They had stepped in when nobody else had been able too. Nobody had expected to lose their mom, so it was helpful that someone had been there. “We both lost mom, and we dealt with it in different ways.”

“I never spoke about it. Not to you or dad or anyone. I said a few things but never more than that.” Maybe he would be able to talk about it now. Despite the decade in between then and now Leo still hadn’t talked about it to anyone. It always felt like it was a secret part of his life. They’d had to grieve so publicly that he’d never been comfortable. Now they were out of the public eye it wasn’t so difficult, and yet he still hadn’t let himself.

He was going to continue when he heard the front door open, followed by the unmistakeable sound of small children. “Penny, Leo. People are arriving.” The unnecessary call from their dad followed, and Leo just looked sadly at his sister. He’d wanted to talk about this, he’d wanted to get it all out but it was Christmas day, and for the children who were around it wasn’t a day of sadness at all. Maybe that would help Leo feel less terrible about enjoying himself.

“We’ll be right there.” Penny called, finishing off the wrapping but leaving the box on her bed. She then squeezed Leo’s shoulder and smiled down at him. “This is to be continued.” Were her only words before she headed in the direction of the loud and happy family that had come to join them for the day. Knowing that there were still more to come. It was exactly what he needed. Something that made him forget about the sad anniversary, instead he focused on the kids.

 _ **I always knew that I**_  
_**Was responsible to guide you through**_  
_**I was blind when looking out for you**_  
_**I was self-absorbed**_  
_**But I try not to be** **anymore**_  
_**I put your diary back in your drawer**_

The house was full. Kendra and Seth brought Lyor and their six kids. Though admittedly Aerin and Aoife were only three weeks old, so were the quietest in the house. Aaron and Hannah came along, showing off that they would be adding to the extended Kirkman administration brood in the next few months too. Leo had to admit that he enjoyed getting chance to play with the children, his nieces and nephews, it was something that he would never have expected to enjoy.

It was hours later, when everyone had left and they’d said goodnight to their father and Judith, that he found Penny waiting to talk to him again. She didn’t wait for him to say anything either, she just burst straight out with whatever it was that she was thinking, and that was that. “Leo you weren’t a bad brother, not even close to it.” It was clear that she wasn’t going to take any argument about it. “I wasn’t a good sister either by that logic.”

“You were _ten_.” Leo countered. How could she have been expected to help when she was so little, and she barely understood what was going on at the time anyway. Leo just wanted her to know that he felt bad about it all, and they needed that out in the open. Right now it was the only way for her to move forward. “I should have been looking out for you but I wasn’t. I mean, there was Camp David and then I left for college and I just feel like I wasn’t what I should have been.”

“You did what you had too to make yourself happy.” That seemed almost to simplistic to be the truth, and Leo didn’t like letting himself off the hook with that. It was what he’d needed, and he’d gone off the rails a little while at college. Somewhere safe for him to do it given he’d always had the secret service around him. Looking back on it, that made it worse.

“I was self-absorbed, Pen. I only cared about how I was feeling, what made me feel better.” That stabbing guilt was back and it came with such ferocity that it almost took his breath away. “And I’d always promised mom that I’d look after you. At the time you needed me to the most I ran away.” That was the biggest problem. He’d run away when he was needed the most. He’d run and cowered and tried to pretend that nothing had happened and nobody needed him.

“Leo… you said it yourself… I was ten.” She stressed that point, and maybe there was something about it that he wasn’t understanding. He hoped that she would explain, because it was the only way that he’d feel any better about anything. “You’ve been here ever since, whenever I’ve called you up crying about mom.” Penny smiled, though he could see the tears welling up in her eyes as she did. “That’s been more important than those first few months. Those I don’t really remember. But the recent stuff… That’s what I remember.”

He just opened his arms, and smiled when Penny ran into them and hugged him tight. He was so happy there was no hard feelings between them, because no matter what happened Leo wasn’t all that sure that he would be able to carry on without his baby sister. “I’m sorry, for everything that happened back then.” He said quietly, giving her a gentle squeeze.

“I’m sorry too.” She replied, and Leo didn’t know what for but he decided that it wasn’t worth arguing. They knew where they stood now, everything was out in the open and they knew where they stood. “But we’re here, and mom would be so proud of both of us.” That was the thing that Leo hoped the most. That their mom would be proud of the people they grew up to be.

“You’re still a pain in the ass though.” He grinned, never being one to let an opportunity to wind her up pass him by. That would just be against the sibling code. It didn’t matter what the conversation was about, if you had the ability to insult your sibling with a smile you took it, and they had to try and reply in kind or find some other way of punishing. That was the way it all worked.

“Hey!” Penny yelped, then grabbed the closest pillow she could and smacked him with it, causing him to fall onto the bed laughing. This was something that he could get used to doing again. However old he got, he would always feel like a twelve year old when Penny was pummelling him with a pillow. What better way to seal this conversation than with a pillow fight? If there was one Leo didn’t know it, and he didn’t care to find out.

 _**Hey Rachel, I’m sorry** _  
_**I was younger and scared when you needed me** _  
_**I was selfish and stubborn** _  
_**A terrible brother** _  
_**You don’t have to forgive me** _  
_**Hey Rachel, I’m sorry** _


End file.
